how to hurt a woman's ego
28/02/2021
BACKI told my husband today that if I were to die within the next month, I’d regret the past year. Right now,all I can do is to stay and figuring out if it’s right and worth it to give our marriage one more try. He must let you know that he knows and feels the immense pain he has caused you. Ride it out the best you can and tell yourself that, although you don’t know now how or when things will get better, things will get better at some point and at some point you will be able to look at the OW and not feel the degree of pain your apparently are feeling right now. We no longer want to be angry but we can’t do that immediately either. My H made a choice that has devastated me and my children (although my children don’t exactly know whats going on but they suspect). It is absolutely true…all of it. We are both in counseling right now with the intention of trying to make this work, but I am still so disgusted with him. And I dont mean the person he was or might be, I mean the person he IS right this very second. For some reason that is refreshing to me. I never thought I could be capable of being emotionally enrolled w another person but my husband, but I did. oh dear, Dear Kat……I am so sorry to hear of your situation…..Anger kept me from completely dissolving…..once I put Anger aside, I discovered how vulnerable I was….alone, afraid, scared, abandoned, bewildered….as many of us are…….the Anger was a buffer, a shield as it were, that protected me from feeling vulnerable. Read a great ‘prayer” from ‘Notoverit’s’ link to this site re: recovery from Adultery,’…evil truly played a part in my H’s affair: he involved ‘someone’ in OUR lives…not just his…who was quite like the devil, ‘someone’ who killed (multiple abortions,) destroyed (I.e., marriages/dated multiple older, married men,) all situations my H was aware of…and still, he pursued this thing. I feel like part of me has died. I can’t really believe that I am writing this, but it has been 3 weeks for me. And, finally. He claims the guilt was terrible and he hated himself but it sure looked all happy and fun in those emails. How can he prove to me that he’s sincere? Despite what we believe our betraying spouses felt during their affair, it couldn’t possibly have been all sunshine and roses. What?!? SPRING has a recalling interesting perspective. Like Pavlov’s dog I found when I was alone I would conjure up familiar anger and pain just because I was used to it. Dear brokenhearted, He has been extremely forthcoming and remorseful which has been helpful to a point, but she has been the complete opposite: denying it ever happened and thus making it impossible for me to see her side of it or forgive her. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I praised him often, thanked him for working so hard for me and the children. At the time, I was reaching my wits end with my H having been gone for almost 10 months for work. I guess the reason being is because I played the role of the ‘good/nice guy’ who didn’t get dates in HS and college. I admit that what he did was amusing, but the long-term impact on her life from his actions is virtually nil. I don’t sleep well and I am becoming angrier by the day. AGree on a time limited for discussion and no yelling and screaming. Then D-Day two occurs last Saturday 4 days ago. Thanks to a fellow redditor, I managed to get a spot for us at a really nice restaurant by the lake (I live in Austin). Hopefully we will recover from this grief and lead more productive and enjoyable life. Blessings to all……. Thank you for sharing. I had to break the habit and couldn’t rely on my spouse to help me through it. You ruined the whole revenge with that condom thing and Theo call. Now do you think your husband is going through a midlife crisis? He seems to want us to act like it didn’t happen and I just can’t do that. I don't know how else to describe it, she was having a total feakout and I decided it was the perfect time to walk away. It wasnt your fault, but you are left w all the pain. It truly is hard enough knowing that the one person you cared for most in the world betrayed you, don’t make things worse. “Every Step of the journey is the journey.”. I don’t want to destroy their world because of my pain, or his stupidity, but it is so difficult. Ifeelsodumb, I know exactly where you’re at. Thank you for caring. Started to remember certain things that were said before I was aware of the affair and I started to feel angry with him and sad at the same time. Currently I’m in Stage 4 ‘Anger or Now It’s My Turn’ and I’m not sure, if I want to move out of it. Forget him (cue Cee-Lo’s song) and find what will make you happy. The eels passed then months. They have to grieve, we have to vent – preferably to a therapist who can offer constructive outlets. What has been difficult for me is the cyclical nature of the stages–you feel you’ve moved out of one stage and into another, only to feel a resurgence of anger, disbelief or other emotions that you thought you were beyond. Many words, I know. This site has been a huge help for me, especially when there seemed to be no hope left. I have also always been a ‘date-remembering’ person…it was always a blessing…until the affair & all the revelations of the years of other EA’s. I have a need to be transparent, since that is what i wanted from my husband. We’re just friends. I’m just really incredibly sad and hurt. I’m finding your comments to be especially meaningful because you completely understand … not even my apologetic husband fully understands. He had built an entire other life (that I found out in the ensuing months) that had become a place to go and forget about how angry and hurt he felt from a desperate childhood and with a persona that had been carefully constructed for the world since he was probably 8 years old. At least I did something and didn't just get trampled and pitied. I’m not anywhere close to the person I was a year ago. We are seeing a pastor together, she is great. You lose trust, you lose that safety, you lose everything you believed your marriage meant to you and your spouse, you lose that love you once had, you are left questioning your memories, and left with a marriage that is tainted and scarred. A pathetic 45 year old tramp who’s always relied on her looks, except now they.re gone. He writes a lot about acceptance, surrender, resistance and taking responsibility for your life. The fact it had only progressed to kissing before being brought to light definitely made it seem less sinister – but emotional affairs now in retrospect are so much more destructive. All Rights Reserved. Thank you for helping me as I enter these next few months. He wants “us” so badly now – but often I question whether I will ever be able to hand my heart back to him. I felt we were making baby steps of progress, but now, in many ways, I feel like I’m back at square one. I do want to say there is hope, there is joy, and there is even laughter after infidelity. That I should have gone with my gut when he couldn’t be separated from his cell phone. No matter how much I think I’m starting to move forward without dragging my H’s EA behind me, it seems to rear it’s ugly head. He even shaved off his fireman’s mustache that he had had since he was 17; and he had always sworn that it was NEVER coming off. I am month 4 from DDay. SadbutTrue – when I saw your post, I scrolled back to the beginning of this topic , and there was my post – when I was only 3 months post d-day! Other Questions i repeatedly asked ( him) over the next two+ years…were WHY? I am only about 3 months post DDay. Forget about the OW and how she has reacted to what has happened. No one can fix it or cause it to make sense… for a good while. I love her so much but it’s killing me slowly, nail by nail into me as it unfolds. Superman is a fictional superhero, who first appeared in American comic books published by DC Comics.The character was created by writer Jerry Siegel and artist Joe Shuster, and first appeared in the comic book Action Comics #1 (cover-dated June 1938 and published April 18, 1938). Depression, breakdowns, the mental state of trying to cope with the lies and living a double life. I can’t really describe the depth to which this new revelation devastated me. I threw him out but he begged and cried and I relented to go back to him. You can learn more about it here. Just a few days ago we had another intense conversation with lots of tears and emotion. She wanted to hear more about what was wrong with our marriage (how thoughtful!). I think its because it was THEM that it has trapped me. Still, I wanted to warn her about the process. ing, stings v.tr. NEVER blame yourself nor get down on yourself for neg feeling or reactions. He also lied to me about things during this time. He is not hiding the emails and has been showing me, I have his email set up on phone so I can read his any times of the day. We have not done couple’s therapy. How does your story end? (and believing in your marriage does not make you dumb.). may have felt unwanted, neglected, unappreciated, unattractive or whatever and used an affair to bolster their self-worth. Today he cringes whenthe subject comes up and tries to avoid it but in the end is is always a good thing when we talk. So, Heather, there may be a lot of pain in your H’s life that he has learned how to mask behind his emotional distance. The OW was an old flame who lived 2500 miles away – otherwise, I feel he would have met up with her. Awesome post. I wish I’d never married him in the first place and I hate that the rest of our marriage will be tainted by this. Each time I came upon something new he would come clean. I wish I could pass on this feeling of confidence to you all that you do come out of something like this. When this goes viral, don't you think that your ex is going to find out about your little Reddit therapy session? Today is 7 miserable days since dday. I got through and forgave him having a child with a woman and then hiding child support payments for years rather quickly. She was at least to me, the my best friend in the world we had been through so much and I was always ALWAYS there for her, and he was my HUSBAND. I truly understand your anguish. Now I have had the time and space to process it apart from him, I realise how the affair fog can consume a once rational and moral person. You’re hurt, you’re angry; but you’re working your grief. Some betrayed spouses actually have ptsd. We do find joy these days and have really started laughing together again. Not everyone would agree with that. Sally, I can sure feel your pain. But of course he was an addict for more than a decade before i met him, and for our thirty yrs together. She got tired of it, I feel. Hi Mickey, If I didn’t get in contact with the OM’s wife, this would still be going on to this very day. I was the one who was taught to pay for dinner dates, buy roses, open doors, and do all of the nice, cordial things that a ‘real man’ should. This whole experience definitely brought out an ugly side of me that was never the old me. There is absolutely nothing good that will come from confrontation. Now, as to having to continue to work at the same company as the OW, that seems like a tough one for me. I thought it would be helpful to those who are new to this to get an idea of what to expect in the healing process. She couldn’t wear my shoes. He seems to have finally gotten free from his cheating way ( and desires), but I have the hang up now as to how he could do this to me, and for 30 yrs. I was stil making love to her during her affairs, not knowing she was seeing other men. Basically, I asked REDDIT to help me think of a way to get justice while dumping my girlfriend. I saw a couple of quotes that made me shake my head in affirmation: “The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies,” and “Sometimes the person you’d take a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun.” Both these statements are so true for my life. They don’t like to see us miserable and may not know how to fix what they themselves broke. Estimated time period: As with Bargaining this period lasted about the entire third month for me, but I would guess it could last 1 to 2 months or longer if one isn’t aware. I am so sorry about your job as well…just seems like alot all at once. I was already wavering about our future but trying to work with him on finding a way forward because I love him (how I wish I could write “loved”). I got very angry. God bless and lift your pain and suffering. I noticed him getting some late night texts and that he actually was bringing his cell phone into the bed with him at night. He doesn’t know what he wants. It helps to get it all out here. There was still bombs in the bombay. He is the love of my life. I discovered it by finding emails and Facebook messages saved on an external harddrive. She has admitted to me that she has slept with 5 different men. Yeah, she'll eventually figure it out and think I'm immature, but I honestly don't give a shit anymore. Is this a fear of being hurt again? It takes time. My H also gets very flirty when he drinks….I hate it. my mind goes crazy with the thoughts of them having communication, I have ask him to maybe start looking Divorce is very painful and permanent. I am the wayward spouse. I needed some me time. First of all this is a LONG journey but you can get through it. Consider yourself very, very fortunate that your H has been forthcoming and remorseful and has not denied having ever done anything wrong. I had been deeply wounded and it had to heal in its own time. You won’t feel better afterward, but are likely to feel worse. Every situation is unique. What a crock. Thanks. Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression… bouncing all around in those. I don’t want that date anymore…and I loved that date/that time of year. I think it scared him sometimes. Stuck in a bad place…and here come the emotional holidays…again. My first wife did this to me, too. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or concentrate. He tells me it was all just a fantasy and no one was ever going to leave anyone, but I don’t buy that. She is now becoming a crazed person. What I mean is, I find myself constantly minimizing. I’m glad he could cry. Will set him on the right course if he is willing. I feel for me to move on after the betrayal, I had to summon my experience in dealing with the death of my first wife. Reading your post made me not feel alone. He tried to talk about renewing vows on our thirtieth and I said, “You mean our third?” I knew that hurt, but so was I. I did it and actually feel relieved, but a little in shock now. Of course actual death and infidelity go their separate ways depending upon the course the betrayed relationship takes. I tried stepping back, putting on a normal face and being loving. We poured our love into that boy each day and shared our adoration of his antics and fun behavior. It’s funny how the cheaters always seem to make sure they have the funds kept aside for their ow, they need to make a good impression on these gold diggers. It’s not like it changes things but hearing him apologize all over again and reassure me was nice. I know I will never feel as safe with him as I did – even when he was doing this. If he wasn’t then he would have been trying a lot harder to make sure you are ok, and wanting that closeness with you. The initial shock. His family has distanced themselves from me as if it were my fault (they only know part of the story). That when I smelled smoke on my husband or her on him, that the excuses he gave were lame and I knew it but let myself trust. Today, you’d never know he is the same guy. I’m sorry too wounded heart, look after yourself and those children of yours, keep looking in here at what people have been through, and gather your strength as your going to need it. Like I said, I failed at this as well. She was meeting guys at motels. Blaming them both, cursing the kid, planning for revenge, fantasizing about me meeting a Prince Charming one day is what keeps me alive. I had carefully approached him twice about my feelings regarding his “secret life” (trying to leave the door open for some confession) over the last couple of years, and was summarily dismissed and the regular spotlighting began. Blessings to you, Heather. And when I would search for justifications as to why I felt this way I found it and earned my melancholy.” It’s almost like people who do self-cutting because they like to feel the pain. I tried ultimatums with my wife, pleading with her, reasoning, but in the end I feel it was when I (kind of) gave up that she began coming around. Perfect looking marriage. But I will really never understand his decision to DO what he did in acting on those disappointments and insecurities. Things are going great, and my marriage is now stronger since getting beyond my W’s EA and correcting some little things that over time cropped up in our marriage that really needed fixing. Of course, I’ll take the blame for putting myself in that position in the first place. Yiu can only control your behavior not his. Time. I cried all through your post. I don’t know all the details and I assume it’s painful for him to have to look at me and tell me exactly what he did. I flew out there, stayed in a large tent in her family’s backyard for 3 days and spent the first two days riding with her husband. Way to be a choad. And, I wanted to forgive him. This will keep you from being manipulated and probably victimized again. Our 27th anniversary was less than a month away from my first D day. His answer was forgiveness. I had an EA right in front of everyone’s face and got nothing but support. Although he swears to the contrary I am not sure it’s really over. He ordered my phone records from 7 years ago and obsessively analyzes them, focusing on the time frame of the EA. The comfort found with other hurting hearts on here (men and women) is no small thing. A Married Woman's Guide to a happier more fulfilling relationship ... and would often say things that hurt my wife’s feelings and push her further away from the love that we once shared. Am I just afraid of the change or do I really love him? He seems to be still in the so called fog. I know those feelings of ambivalence very well. Unless you are one of the cheaters…To you all I can say is, “I hope it was worth it.”, I feel you jJ.I’m the one who’s been cheated on(by my husband of 23 years).I found out just 2 yrs ago that he had been cheating on me on the fourth year of our marriage that lasted 7 looong years.He frequented certain clubs/bars and had several female “friends “according to him(I have proofs,receipts,credit card records and all)but admitted to only one being physical and again according to him lasted for 2 years.And after that he hadn’t had any and others being mere friends or EA.And the worst,found out that he’d been talking to his Ex on several occasions through texts! I’ll stay connected here. I saw sexting on her phone first. All of it is such a dichotomy. I dont like the new me, i liked the old, happy, confident, nice me much better. That's all the time I was ever going to give the heartless bitch again. And a child was conceived during this horrible event! He knew how to DO good things, and was a first responder for 22 years; but real interest and concern… I rarely saw it. Your husband seems to be showing signs that he wants to be in your marriage. Even the other woman. I wanted you to know that something in your response really got to me…..I’m getting a treadmill today and going to give some thought to what I’d like to do for myself. Be consistent. You may have “what if” thoughts, but ultimately to survive, you come to terms with the finality of death. Hell, he lost me even at that. I’m also going to start focusing on me and what I need. I can’t stop imagining the intimate moments that he had with HER. I suddenly have developed total apathy! Jerk!!! I,too is currently in the endless process of grief after the discovery of my H affairs for 7 long years(affairs/lyings occured sometime between years 1999-2005)which eventually started just 4 years prior to our marriage and when our firstborn was only 2 y/o. I have a notepad app on my phone and started a file I called “Things I probably shouldn’t say” and wrote down most everything I felt like saying at any given moment. One thing that has come apparent after reading alot about these affairs is most cases they don’t work, they don’t last, because eventually instead of hiding the people they really are, their true selves start showing and it isn’t as appealing. I had no idea what to say about your situ. Did your heart heal? We almost divorced about 25 years ago because he was an alcoholic (4th generation alcoholic by the way!) I guess this means he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. It didn’t help that the other day, while talking, he said “It was ONLY four months”!! I am changed and will never be that same person … I am stronger now but know I still have a great deal of pain trapped despite endless days and nights of tears and more tears… My H has not shed a single tear and that I really struggle with? I’ve been married to who I thought was my soulmate for 19 years. I can smile and laugh with my husband now, yet I do believe the betrayed spouse has to over come so much, after being treated so poorly by the person they love. Of course, I’m THRILLED that he is reading it, but wouldn’t it be good for us to discuss what he’s reading? So insightful, helpful, and healing. He is acting exasperated and saying he doesn’t know why it happened and wanting you to acting as though it never happened. I am feeling much better in this 4th month though I am now dealing with anger more. Like I said, we should never feel responsible for another person’s happiness. The only place he should be depositing his spit and semen is in another woman's vagina. The major depression for me started in the third month post DDay (or March 2010). I hope you post more. I go from anger to depression constantly.we have been married nearly fifty years. Many of the important dates and holidays from this past fall have been tarnished with what what I now know took place on those days. Thank you Mark and Linda for responding. And I battled hard. We will renew our vows when I feel I have forgiven him completely….and maybe that will be our “new” date that we will celebrate?? With or without our spouses, happiness and laughter will come again. She and her H are “devoted” Christians. sadbutrue….I just read your post but I remember the feeling of hanging on by a thread and I wanted to get back to you tonight. But that is not enough for me at this point. Validate your own self worth. I’ve definitely lost something, but that’s part of growing up. Thank you both and I wish you both continued healing. In this wonderful article, one of our members – Duane – offers his take on what one can expect throughout the affair recovery process as it relates to the 7 Stages of Grief after an affair – all based on his own experiences. Just keep me in your prayers because although I was doing great spiritually prior to this, I am now kind of waivering in my spiritual walk. Also want to iterate that I have been cheated on. Do you have a loving and fulfilling marriage with your wife now? (I only count 11 years since her affair lasted 2 years). This lasted a month (I don’t have statistics but I’d wager the third month post DDay has got to be the worst of the recovery time). I had to remind hi that they worked (they shared the same office) 10 hour day’s and then would stay 2-3 hours after work, and still not good enough he would call her while he was driving home, then come home eat and tell me I need to go buy (whatever he needed) and call her again, when he wasn’t chatting with her on FB. And it is hard. Right now I am just numb and trying to get my thoughts together to make a conscience decision. Our counselor was a very nice family psychologist, but he couldnt tel me how to make the pain/ triggering/ or anger stop. He knows you are on the ruin right now, and like virtually all cheaters he is using it to his advantage. These posts all appear to be about affairs that happened while people were still in their relationships. Don’t let her pretend it’s all okay. I know we all want the pain to just stop, we all just want to feel better, like we used to, but forcing it just doesn’t work. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I do wish you good health and happiness as well as peace. It’s people like you who make this world a better place by helping others to see that the sun is still shining behind the ominous clouds, stormy winds and pouring rain. Get a safe group, or a couple friends who understand. And it is absolutely wonderful sometimes when I can see him actively trying and showing remorse. Trust in yourself that you will no when you no longer can fight, you will know. Share your experience with people you trust, and that have your back with their full support….do things for you, therapist Vikki Stark in Montreal says ’Pour steel in your spine and fight for your life!’ AlAnon has great literature…Google-search some AlAnon quotes from ‘Just For Tonight’. This makes a lot of sense. I threw the box into the lake and it totally looked real because of the tears in my eyes. Every stupid thing he does makes me want out. We want our spouses to love us but they simply can’t do that immediately. How are things going? Steve, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED AS BEST AS I CAN REMEMBER: I decided that Valentine's Day was the perfect day to go through with it, but since I'd caught her cheating last week I hadn't thought to get reservations anywhere. Many come out on the other side of this a better couple. We can force discussions or reveal our hurts, but don’t expect solutions or changes to occur overnight. Funny thing is, he doesn’t have that problem at all any more. I’m about 8 months in and the questions don’t stop. I personally experienced deep sadness and anger in the first few months, anger like I have never known! Id love to know how youre doing now. Now that some time has passed I’m wondering how things have turned out? Yeah, right. I stopped crying every day sometime during the 4th month. I would picture the two of them together and imagine what they had done together. I was in a near fatal motorcycle accident in 2004 that left me with health issues and I became depressed over my limitations. I just hope I live long enough to get over this.we are trying to make it work and I think he is truly sorry. Throughout the whole period I pretty much stayed calm, showed him love, caring and compassion which completely through him off guard as part of his story to himself (and probably to her) is that I didn’t love him anymore but my actions were proving that wrong. As recently as August (20 months post DDay) my frustration was so overwhelming that I thought for sure we had reached the end. I told her there was nothing to talk about and nothing she could say-- I never wanted to see her again or talk to her. And, Rachel, I’m almost considering a counselor for me – not as a couple. They do not see the destruction that they are doing. I have never loved a man the way I love him and the heart keeps telling me to stay and work it out. Reading all the posts on this wonderful site makes it much easier to come to terms with how she is treating me. He finally arrived in April 2019. Do it to keep the peace as best you can. Like, I should be more trusting, I should give him the benefit of the doubt more, I feel guilty that he works hard, so I shouldn’t get upset that he wants to spend time with friends. He obviously wants to stay in this marriage and keeps telling me to look at this wonderful future that we have and blah, blah, blah! I find no joy in anything that I do. There are three things that can’t be hidden, the sun, the moon, and the truth. I’m glad you are finding the book helpful. Even my wife doesn’t do that. He is still in the fog, and has not seen one bit of the tremendous damage, he has caused our family including himself. Should anyone in this group please tell/teach me what stage of grief am I in right now?It will be greatly appreciated.Thanks. I thought that if this was REAL it would survive the long distance. Also, don’t try to make your H see and admit that he is somehow “wrong” to be reacting the way he is.
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